​THE EMPTY VOID CALLED LIFE

I walked up the stairs in my newly bought dress that elegantly shone and hugged my body so perfectly. I want today to be perfect for I doubt not, Maxim is going to make me the happiest woman on earth today.

He never asks to meet in some fancy restaurant but today he surprisingly called me to meet him here... in one of the best restaurants in the glorious city hall. I picked the best dress out of all the dresses I bought this year so far.

The guard opened the door and I went in with all the grace I held. There he sits, waving at me. I quickly reach the table and sit opposite him, my heart beating way faster than one would ever anticipate.

"Order anything you like"

He says a bit nervously.

"What's so special about today?"

I hesitated.

He sits up straight, gulping a tiny glass of water.

"Czarina, we have been together for over 5 years now and have gone through every up and down of life together in these long years. I cannot truly imagine a day without you and I suppose so can't you"

I nod with a smile trying hard to keep my excitement within.

"Our families are already arranging for our marriage this December. That is not even a year to go from now. I think this is the right time for me to tell you how much I love you, how much I want us to get married, how much I want us to have kids and live a life we have always wanted to"

I look at the empty plates with a smile I adore so much.

"But I am afraid I cannot."

I look up at him as if life just left my soul.

"I am in love with someone else. It was so sudden, so intense that no matter how much I tried to suppress it down in my heart I could not. I just cannot, Czarina. Please understand. I know you will"

I gulp down and take a deep breath to think properly.

"What do you exactly want me to understand Maxim? That all these 5 years were a joke to you? That you were never in love with me because if you were then you wouldn't have let anything like this happen in the first place"

I shouted out loud. Hot tears roll down my rosy pink cheeks.

"For god's sake, Czarina. People are watching"

He gritted his teeth at me.

"Let them. I don't know anything anymore. Talk to my Dad, tell him how much of a jerk you are, and leave our lives like nothing fucking happened at all"

I say in a low voice looking at the huge glass window that laid beside me, giving the beautiful view of the city. I don't try to ask him, why he did this or How he could do this. His eyes give off an apology. The apology for breaking my heart not for falling in love with someone else when he was not supposed to. He is already so much in love that his eyes are the softest they have ever been.

"This won't be that-"

He tried explaining but I did not let him.

"You know how much of a scar this is going to leave on me, Maxim"

I still looked out the window trying hard to stop my tears.

"You know my past. You made me believe in a future that I thought was never possible."

"Czarina..."

He held my palm tightly. I took my hand back to face him straight in the eye.

"I was already dead back then. You brought back life to my empty soul and now you killed me again. These eyes won't dream again. This heart won't feel again. This trust won't claim back itself again. Good day"

I say stomping away from the table, tears rolling down with immense ease. People are looking at me and probably sympathizing with me for whatever has happened.

I get inside my car and close the door shut. I punch the steering wheel twice to end up bumping my head on it and cry out loud with the super loud music I had managed to turn on. How could he turn my life upside down like this and leave? How dare he...

I hit the horn with all the adrenalin rushing through my veins.

________♡________

I park my car outside and push open the house gate. I rang the bell thrice, continuously until Mom opened the door.

Her smiling face changed into a pale one.

"What happened darlo?"

She asked.

I walk inside trying to avoid her eyes, "nothing"

Walking up the stairs I hear her following me.

"Are you okay?"

She said with a low voice. I turn around, my eyes glittering with the newly brewed-up tears.

"Can we please talk about it tomorrow, Mom?"

I say politely even when I am feeling like screaming my heart out.

"Sure..."

I walked ahead and closed the door to throw the purse on the bed. I screamed my lungs out in the tiny closet corner of my room. Sitting on the floor, I banged it rigorously until the pain rising through my fists made itself too clear to ignore anymore. I struggled to breathe.

Life has always been so hard for me even with all the luxuries from the very beginning. I lacked good people around. After that old man tried to brutally rape me on that fiery night, I have always been an outcast to people in this backward society.

I was scared of everyone. Mom and Dad caged me up with their love and care and took me to therapists and counselors. They helped me to live but life was never my beloved, all until Maxim showed me how beautiful life can be with the right people.

How dare he did this to me?

I wanted to scream but I did not. I can't let Mom see how broken I am right now. Everything I ever read about love is probably the love they fantasized about, a dream they wanted to live 'cause real love is like this. Exactly like this. Treacherous.

I did not trust love until he made me want to. Look at me now, I am all crushed. I am ruined. The only touch I ever craved was of his and now I pity myself for that.

I got up, washed my face which looked like a mess, and changed into my nightgown, throwing the dress into the dustbin. The supposed best day of my life turned into a nightmare. I slipped inside the mattress and tried to get some sleep.

All I did was just try. I could not sleep.

________♡________

The night was not easy. His memories, and my nightmares all mixed up to make a distracting future in the end.

I woke up early and asked Stacy, our housemaid, to make me some tea. It helps my brain open up.

After washing up, I sat on my dressing chair in front of the mirror to comb my long brown hair. I wonder what made him not love me at all. Did he ever truly love me? Was he after the business? Is money all I have to offer in the end? Was this all a lie from the very beginning? I spent these 5 years thinking of him and now he is not there at all.

All I am now is a mist of troublesome questions.

Suddenly the door knocked and Mom came in with a basket of washed-up dresses. She sat on my bed and started arranging them on the hangers.

I non-attentively combed my hair and ended up asking her, "Mom, What do I lack?"

She looks up surprised trying to think what to say next. I feel so out of power that I could simply fall off the chair.

"Why would you even let that thought perceive in your mind, sweetie? We all lack something but that never makes us any less wanted or important. It is who we are and how we behave that makes the difference. We love and adore you simply the way you are"

She says walking ahead and gently patting my head. I smiled a weak, lifeless smile.

"What happens, happens for good. You will find someone way better than him"

I didn't even tell her anything about yesterday yet she understood everything so effortlessly. Maybe this is how moms are. They know everything.

"I won't even try. I am all done, Mom."

I say getting up and sitting on the sofa in the farther end of the room, stretching my hands over my head and simultaneously trying to shake off this uneasy feeling. I am fucked up. This is happening again.

"There are so many good gentlemen out there. If you close yourself off in this room how will you know? We are here today but who can talk of tomorrow? If you never denied the marriage we decided earlier, you might have been living so happily in their mansion by now."

She finishes with expectant eyes.

"Tell Dad I want to marry someone soon. It was my fault to trust him and deny your decision. Let's first correct that"

I said with a silly wink trying to lighten up the statement.

She gave a surprised look and walked ahead.

"Are you joking? It is not a hurried decision to take"

She smiled awkwardly touching my chin softly.

I get up facing her, "I have decided, Mom. What difference will it make if I say yes tomorrow instead of today? It's not like I have any chance of changing my decision. My life is like an empty void now anyway"

I whisper the last part to myself and walk out of my room.

I am not capable of loving and deciding Mom. I am a broken glass now, tape me up or throw me off. I don't care anymore. There is this challenging part of me that says I will marry whomever I want.

Maxim was not the last option for me and he never will.